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Running Towards Gratitude

I’ve been feeling a little bit better recently. I’m finally starting to see results from my “time out” and I’ve gone from having 5-7 seizures every day to last week having roughly 2-3 a day. Which is awesome!

I’ve been taking a lot of walks recently. And gradually, I’ve pushed myself to go farther and farther on these walks. Sometimes it’s been accidental (I wonder where this road comes out?) and other times I am testing my body and brain to find its limit. Probably not what the doctor would order but…

Anyway, with all this walking, I’ve just been itching to go for a run. It’s been sooooo long and the weather has been beautiful and I thought, surely if I can walk 4 miles, I can do a short run, right? So this morning I woke up feeling a little extra ambitious and thought, this is the day, I’m going for it. I had walked a route yesterday that was about 1.7 miles so I planned to run that same route.

I started out nice and easy and within the first 2 minutes I could feel the pressure building in my head but I wasn’t giving up that easy. I pushed and pushed until it got to the point where I was kind of scared that if I kept going, something drastic might have to happen (like a horrible ambulance ride, ugh.) So I came down to a walk and looked at my running app- 1.02 miles.

Instantly I felt this sense of defeat. Defeat, because I didn’t complete the run and walked back, which I hate doing. If you had told me two years ago that soon I would barely be able to run 1 mile, I would have laughed at you.

But in that walk back home, I had time to pray. I realized that it’s a blessing to be able to do all the walking I’ve been doing in the first place. It’s a blessing that I’m not shut up at home all the time, but can be out and about doing things. And what I really should be doing is thanking God for that one mile, instead of discarding it in disgust. I kind of needed an attitude change and to remember all the things I have to be thankful for.

And so today, I am grateful that I could not complete a run so that God could remind me of his goodness and give me time to thank him for it.

 
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Posted by on October 4, 2017 in epilepsy

 

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A Pause in the Music

Around one year ago, I posted this on my Facebook page:

“Often in a piece of music there appears a pause. The pause is put between the notes for effect and to emphasize the beauty and majesty of what is coming next. Sometimes God adds a pause into the constant rhythm of our busyness and gives us time to focus on Him. Just like in a great piece of music, without the pause we would not be able to see the beauty of what is coming and what God has planned to do in us and through us. Let us rejoice when we find ourselves in one of life’s pauses. Let us seek Christ, wait on the Lord, and choose to glorify Him. Let us rest in God’s goodness and faithfulness and allow Him to mold our hearts so that our perspective is changed when the rhythm of the music starts again.”

I wrote that after a conversation with my best friend based on something she had read (giving credit where it’s due here, people).

Today, I find myself about to enter into a pause in life. At the end of August, I will be leaving a job that I having worked at and loved for 4 1/2 years. A job that I have poured myself into with all my heart and energy. A job where my co-workers are my family and I love them as such.  A job where we speak freely about Christ and impact others for the kingdom.

It took a lot for the Lord to bring me to this point. I remember last summer, crying as others around me were pushing me to work less and I felt like I had already given up so many things that I loved. I cried out to God and begged him (or perhaps told him?) to allow me to continue working. That he could have everything else, but not my job. Don’t ever tell God something like that. 🙂

But over the last couple months it has become very clear to both my doctor and finally to myself that this isn’t working. Something has to change. My brain is losing its capacity to handle multiple things at a time and that is basically what I do all day long. And so it’s stressful because I can’t manage things anymore. Which leads to seizures. Which make my head hurt and then I can’t focus. And it’s this never ending cycle that meds aren’t beating. My body has never had time to recover since all this started, which happens to be 15 months ago today.

So what is the plan you ask? The plan is rest. I will be done at my current job at the end of August but still plan to live in the area. I have promised to take at least one month off of all work and see how my body responds and if the meds start to work with a little less stress on my brain. My prayer is that that month becomes one of healing and of drawing closer every day to our Savior.

And so currently I’m in the middle of a full force symphony, but I am with mixed emotions waiting for the day when God brings that pause.

 
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Posted by on July 10, 2017 in epilepsy

 

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Chutes and Ladders

Have you ever played Chutes and Ladders? I loved that game growing up! You know why? Because the good kids get rewarded and the bad kids get punished and it just seemed like a fair kind of system. There was however, one thing I did NOT like about the game. If you remember (think back to your childhood…unless you are like me and still play kid’s games…), the goal of the game was to get to the 100 spot. So you finally work your way up to 85 and start to get excited because you are getting close and a roll later you end up on the 87 square. Do you know what is on the 87 square?? A chute. A chute that lands you back down on 24! I remember that happening to me several times in a game and getting frustrated by being so close and then the disappointment came of rolling into that square.

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I currently feel like I am very close to landing in that 87 square. Let me explain.

I went to Cleveland Clinic on Feb. 24th. Have I mentioned before how amazing they are? I would also like to mention, though, that this time they really tested my memory of 4th grade geography. I was having my EEG done and they usually ask you several questions just to make sure you are thinking correctly. Often the questions are along the lines of: Do you know where you are? What is today’s date? Who is the president? Things like that. Do you know what they asked me this time? Name the Great Lakes. Uhhhh….hang on while I pull that HOMES acronym out of my memory…

My EEG came back clear (Thank you, Jesus!) but I had been having a lot of issues with some of the side effects of one of the medications which is the main thing I wanted to talk with the doctor about. I had also noticed that if I was under stress (which is life), I was still having lots of seizures, so the medications were not fully controlling them either.

Come to find out that the medication causing all the issues is actually considered a “rescue” seizure medicine and she wasn’t planning to keep me on it. (Backstory: they had to quickly take me off a different med because it was causing heart issues so they put me on this one.) So she decreased the dose of that medicine and increased the dose of the other one that I take. I had a blood test done last Monday and after she gets those results she will most likely take me off the problem med and switch me to a different one.

So I’m guessing you probably still don’t see the connection to Chutes and Ladders yet. Am I right? You see, I actually haven’t had any seizures since that appointment. 22 days without a seizure- I think that might be my longest streak since all of this started. But it’s almost certain that whenever you are in the middle of a medication change to have some seizures. So I currently feel like I’m sitting nice and pretty on that 85 square just waiting to roll a two whenever I switch and then the counting starts again.

That being said, do you know how nice it is to go 22 days without any seizures???! It’s pretty awesome and I’m so thankful that God has given me this time! I’ll keep you posted (haha, because this is a post…nevermind… 🙂 ) on what He does next!

 
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Posted by on March 18, 2017 in epilepsy

 

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