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Author Archives: Kimmy

About Kimmy

Hi, my name is Kimmy and welcome to my blog! I am just a regular person saved by grace through faith in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. A few of my interests are running, theology, horseback riding, baking, the flute, reading, and laughing with friends.

Refining Gold

I always tried to be a helpful child when I was younger. I liked to make people happy so was usually eager to be accommodating and obedient. Sometimes I took this method a little too far. For instance, when I was about 5 or so, I remember coming home from an evening church service with my family and I heard my Dad say, “Did I leave the stove on??” Always one to be helpful, I eagerly exclaimed, “I’ll check!” and placed my hand flat on the burner before anyone could stop me. Turns out, it was on and I burned my hand and learned a good lesson.

I was thinking about that story recently as I heard someone referencing a verse in the Bible that talks about God refining us. There are actually quite a few verses on the topic and I got to wondering how hot a refiner’s fire was anyway? I’ve been around a lot of fires and sometimes I turn my oven up pretty high…how hot does a fire have to be to melt metal? So I did some research. Turns out that to melt gold a fire has to be anywhere from 1600-2000 degrees F. Whew! (Guess I won’t be doing any of that in my kitchen…)

And the more I thought about it, I realized the huge significance of those verses. One of my favorites: “The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and the Lord tests hearts.” Prov. 17:3 The parallel drawn here is pretty clear as the author compares the method of refining metal to how the Lord tests and refines our hearts. Suddenly it became apparent to me that it’s not a pleasant parallel. The more I read about refining, the more I realized that I didn’t want that done with my heart! It’s hot and it hurts! It’s not a fun process and that’s why it’s so important to have God’s perspective and not ours. Right now, I just see the temporary pain and loss but according to God’s Word:

According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:3-7

All that to say this: every year I pray for a specific thing that I want God to teach me that year. In 2016, it was compassion and we all know how that turned out. This year, I prayed for the Lord to give me a richer prayer life. You know what happened? I moved to an apartment by myself, I was under rest orders from my doctor, and wasn’t even able to read my Bible for a while. My only resort was to talk to God.

I know what I want to learn in 2018 but I am actually terrified to pray for it. I have truly seen that God answers prayers but not in the way I expect and I am afraid for this one. I’m not sure I’m ready for the heat of this fire. I want to learn true and full contentment in Christ. I want him to be my life and the fulfillment of it. Right now, I often feel restless and discontent because I want my life to be how it was before. I want my old life back and the more I realize that isn’t going to happen, the more upset I become and I don’t want to live like that. I want to embrace the life God has given me even if it’s not what I would have chosen for myself.

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions but on January 1st, that is what my heart will be crying out and what I will continue to pray for the entire year. Would you pray with me?

 
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Posted by on December 16, 2017 in contentment

 

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When You Don’t Feel Like It

Warning: Honesty Alert! This post may contain elements of honesty that are unfamiliar to regular church goers and may come as a shock to you.

When I was about 10-11 years old, I started doing devotions on my own. My family did devos together but suddenly one day, I decided to do my own also. I grabbed my Bible and my Lisa Frank notebook, sat down, and started reading. I read through Genesis in 5 days. If you don’t know, Genesis has 50 chapters. Not bad for a kid, right? I loved it and was hungry to learn about the Lord and read his Word for myself. So I kept going. For years, I read through the Bible in a year and in multiple versions to compare them. In the last two years my devotions have taken more of a meditation aspect.

But recently, I simply haven’t felt like doing devotions. (crowd murmurs) I really don’t think this is an uncommon problem in the church; I just think that most people aren’t willing to admit it. After all, it sounds terrible. How can you not want to spend time with your Savior, the One who gave his life for you?? I’ve been a part of my Young Adult group for over 4 years now and every week there is always at least one person who asks for prayer that they make their devotions a priority. But they make it sound like their schedule is so busy and they just need to set aside the time. I certainly have the time; but no motivation.

So what do you do? What do you do when you wake up and literally don’t want to do your devotions or pray? I think the temptation is that you shouldn’t force yourself to read God’s Word. Tell me you haven’t said to yourself before, “Well I’m not going to get anything out of it anyway.” And we use that as an excuse to go about our day without spending time with Jesus.

Let me ask you something. Do you believe that God’s Word is living and active? Do you believe it can work even when your heart is cold? Trust me, I know the heartbreaking feeling. You sit down with your Bible and feel nothing. You don’t want to read it, you don’t want to talk with the Lord. But you want to have the desire to do them!! I have literally sat and prayed, “God, I don’t want to do my devotions today and I am so sorry. Please forgive me for having a cold heart. Please, PLEASE, help me to learn something from your Word anyway.”

I think there are benefits to doing your devotions, even if you don’t feel like you have an amazing time with the Lord every day. I also don’t believe our faith is based on emotions (thank the Lord!) and if you decide not to do your devos just because you don’t think you will learn anything, you’re probably playing right into Satan’s hand. It seems to me that most of the things that are good for us in life are difficult at some point and take work, such as exercise, healthy eating, or perfecting any skill.

So my advice (to myself) is this: don’t give up! It may be hard for a while. It may feel forced for a while. No matter what you are feeling, tell God about it. Pray, pray, pray for God to give you a fierce love for him that drives and motivates you!

 
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Posted by on December 8, 2017 in Devotions

 

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Giving Grace

If there’s one thing this last month has taught me it’s to give more grace to others. When someone speaks to you in an angry tone, give grace. When someone lets you down again, give grace. When someone does something that you think is weird or odd, (mind your own business and) give grace. Why? Because EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. is going through something that you know nothing about. You have no idea what is going on in their life or what just happened that may be affecting their behavior.

Speaking for myself, (for better or worse), I’m one of the best fakers out there. My head could be about to explode, but I can still smile and ask how you are doing. And I’m willing to bet a lot of us are like that. Much of our suffering, whether it’s physical or emotional, isn’t seen by others. Now, we could probably save ourselves a little bit of trouble and tell a few certain people how we are feeling but you certainly can’t tell everybody.

Maybe we could all try to give others a little more grace. Maybe instead of whispering about that frustrated and overwhelmed mom in the grocery store, you could walk up and tell her she’s doing a great job and ask if you could help carry her groceries? Maybe if someone leaves early from a party, they aren’t really being a party-pooper, but it took all their strength and energy to make it as long as they did? Maybe that person eating a granola bar in church is trying to keep herself from throwing up because of meds and it was a struggle for her to come to church at all? In these circumstances, will you (will I?) be the compassionate person or will you stoop to judging and mocking?

I’ve just come to realize through my own situations that I really only see a very little bit of everyone else’s lives. I want to be the person who assumes the best of people and shares God’s grace freely and abundantly.

Whether or not it’s deserved doesn’t matter because I certainly didn’t deserve it and neither did you. So why not look for some opportunities to give grace and show compassion?

 
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Posted by on November 22, 2017 in encouragment

 

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Defying the Doctor

As a kid, my stomach was upset a lot. Just ask my siblings. Pretty much any time I got excited or any big event/holiday came along, my stomach would churn to the point that I would throw up. If the stomach bug was going around, it was a guarantee that I was going to get it. Car rides- ugh. I was pretty well known as the kid with the sensitive stomach. And I despised it. I HATE throwing up or being nauseous. So it became my saying that I can handle anything except stomach issues.

A few weeks ago, my doctor and I both agreed to start THE med. This was the one we had been holding out on because of the side effects, even though it’s supposed to be one of the best ones out there. The two major side effects? Weight gain and hair growth. My doctor said weight gain wouldn’t be an issue for me but she dodged the hair question every time I asked it. So when the prescription was finally made, I decided to do some research for myself. Do you know what I found? I had heard things wrong and the side effect wasn’t hair growth but hair loss. As I was online reading story after story about the side effects, panic started to set in. How could I have made such an error?? I knew, of course, that in light of things, it was silly to be upset about losing my hair but I was upset. And I knew it was pride.

So, with a lot of praying about my attitude, I started the med and the first week I noticed a drop in all seizures and mild hair loss but other than that I was just super tired (that’s always a side effect.) THEN the second week came. Extreme nausea and stomach pain that never went away. Dizziness and weakness to the point that it worn out the muscle in my arm to brush my teeth. Something wasn’t right but I was confused because I had already been on the med for a week without all this stuff. So I played some phone tag with my doctor, got prescribed an anti-nausea med that didn’t help, and got some blood work done to check the levels of the med. And I waited.

For two weeks. The blood tests took five days to get and it ended up going over a weekend. As I laid on the couch that Friday, knowing I wasn’t going to get any results until Monday, I. Was. DONE. I had started to throw up and if you recall, I’m not particularly fond of that. There was no way I could make myself take that pill that night. So I broke every rule in the book and I didn’t. (I was still on two other medications so it wasn’t like I was going cold turkey or anything.) And I didn’t take it the next morning or night or Sunday and I felt SO much better! I prepared myself for a bad scolding from the nurse when she called on Monday with the results but it was more mild than I anticipated.

As I expected, the seizures came back but I would take them any day over the stomach stuff. So now what? New med combination, of course. That’s how it always goes. I’ve actually been on this one before and it was my idea to try it again with a different combination. We will see. Maybe this will be the one.

Yes, it gets wearisome. I have no idea how people go through this without Jesus. I’m so thankful I don’t have to.

 
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Posted by on November 8, 2017 in epilepsy

 

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“Life’s Not Fair”

As I pulled back the covers and crawled into bed, the nearby ambulance was dispatched and the siren went by my window. It pushed my exhausted body and heart just over its limit and I started to cry. Suddenly, life didn’t feel fair to me.

I often heard that phrase growing up and I fully believe it and I think this may be this first time in the last 18 months that I have felt “injustice” in my life because of everything going on. I’ve had plenty of others tell me “it’s not right” and “you’re so young, you shouldn’t have to deal with this” but I just shrugged it off, thinking of how it could be worse.

But I always said I could deal with anything as long as it wasn’t stomach issues. And for the last 11 days, I have had constant, debilitating nausea. You can add dizziness, weakness, fatigue, and headaches to that mix too. I have practically laid on my bed or couch all day, and sometimes I’ve been unable to sleep at night because of the nausea. I’ve missed two important church events that I was really looking forward to. And for what? Side-effects of the new medication I’m on. (You may be thinking that my neurologist is a monster but I also haven’t had a seizure in 7 days so we are trying to work things out.)

I don’t often feel like my life is unfair. But that day was my birthday. I was miserable and try as I might to think about all the people who came around me and showed love and blessed me, I just needed to cry for two minutes and then I fell right asleep.

And I think that’s okay. I woke up the next morning, still feeling miserable, but able to thank God for all his blessings and appreciate my friends and family more. Life is certainly not fair, and I’m so thankful because I don’t deserve what I have.

 
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Posted by on October 24, 2017 in blessing

 

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Deep Thoughts on Coloring Pages

I am not a creative person. There are probably several people reading this right now who would disagree with that statement but I know a crafty person when I see one and I am definitely NOT one of them. You know those people that look at something on Pinterest and actually MAKE it?! I don’t have those skills unless someone is holding my hand every step of the way.

However, with the ability to read mysteriously gone for now, I’ve had to get a little creative with my devotions and they have taken a mildly crafty turn. I’ve been using coloring books. Yup, you read that right. The person who loves a good theology book is using coloring books for her devotion time. Ironic, no? I’m sure you’ve seen them- the “Adult” coloring books that are supposed to help you relax (unless you are Type A) and these ones have Bible verses on them. So I color a page and meditate on the verse while doing so. It usually takes me at least two days per page because of the detail.

The other day, I finished up this page:

img-5513.jpgAs I looked over the completed page, I chuckled to myself about how much time I had spent on that border versus the words. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that a lot of times, that is exactly what we do with the gospel. The gospel is so simple that a child is able to understand it but we try to crowd it with extra stuff sometimes and spend way more time on that when we should just be focused on Christ.

You can find other analogies too. What if that center box represents Scripture and the border is everything else in your life. What do you spend more time and energy on? What is your focus on? Do you allow the busyness of life to crowd out your time spent with the Lord or is it the other way around?

All that to say, I guess you can learn stuff from crafts. Well, I don’t really think I learned it from the coloring book… 🙂

 

 
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Posted by on October 11, 2017 in Devotions

 

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Running Towards Gratitude

I’ve been feeling a little bit better recently. I’m finally starting to see results from my “time out” and I’ve gone from having 5-7 seizures every day to last week having roughly 2-3 a day. Which is awesome!

I’ve been taking a lot of walks recently. And gradually, I’ve pushed myself to go farther and farther on these walks. Sometimes it’s been accidental (I wonder where this road comes out?) and other times I am testing my body and brain to find its limit. Probably not what the doctor would order but…

Anyway, with all this walking, I’ve just been itching to go for a run. It’s been sooooo long and the weather has been beautiful and I thought, surely if I can walk 4 miles, I can do a short run, right? So this morning I woke up feeling a little extra ambitious and thought, this is the day, I’m going for it. I had walked a route yesterday that was about 1.7 miles so I planned to run that same route.

I started out nice and easy and within the first 2 minutes I could feel the pressure building in my head but I wasn’t giving up that easy. I pushed and pushed until it got to the point where I was kind of scared that if I kept going, something drastic might have to happen (like a horrible ambulance ride, ugh.) So I came down to a walk and looked at my running app- 1.02 miles.

Instantly I felt this sense of defeat. Defeat, because I didn’t complete the run and walked back, which I hate doing. If you had told me two years ago that soon I would barely be able to run 1 mile, I would have laughed at you.

But in that walk back home, I had time to pray. I realized that it’s a blessing to be able to do all the walking I’ve been doing in the first place. It’s a blessing that I’m not shut up at home all the time, but can be out and about doing things. And what I really should be doing is thanking God for that one mile, instead of discarding it in disgust. I kind of needed an attitude change and to remember all the things I have to be thankful for.

And so today, I am grateful that I could not complete a run so that God could remind me of his goodness and give me time to thank him for it.

 
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Posted by on October 4, 2017 in epilepsy

 

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